What if Men and Sex aren’t the point?

When was the last time you did something because you wanted to, not because you wanted a man to notice you?

I recently got out of a 3-year-long situationship, and it genuinely made me think about how I revolved my whole life around men, dating, and sex.

That situationship was so incredibly draining. While it made me feel the highest highs, it also made me feel the lowest I’ve ever felt. It honestly felt like I was giving too much power to a man. I gave it 110% while he was barely putting in 3%.

I realized after I got out of it that I was basing my feelings about myself on how the situationship was going. We used to text every day, and if I didn’t receive a text for a day, that would ruin my whole day. If he was in a bad mood, I was in a bad mood.

This situationship was consuming my whole life. When it ended, it felt like I was finally taking back my power, earning my self-respect back, and loving myself the way I should.

I think ending the relationship or whatever it was made me want to decenter men as a whole and focus on centering myself.

So, What Does Decentering Men Mean?

For me, decentering men doesn’t mean I hate men or that I never want to date or have sex again. It just means I don’t want men to have this power of being the center of my life anymore.

What does putting yourself back at the center actually look like?

I want to get to a point where I stop waiting for a text from a man, stop allowing a man’s mood to determine my own mood, accomplish more of my goals, and learn how to do things alone.

I feel like I lost myself so much during that 3-year time span. I didn’t even know who I was without this man being the center of my universe, and not gonna lie, that’s so sick!!!

What Does Choosing Myself Actually Look Like Now?

I’m still figuring out what choosing myself looks like. You know, it’s true what they say: one day you’re going to wake up in the situation you’re in and just think to yourself, “I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to be in this situation anymore. I deserve better.”

I was so disrespected during those 3 years, and I realized it and did nothing about it because the feeling of having somebody was better than being alone. Disrespect is something I just cannot tolerate anymore, no matter who the person is.

I ultimately woke up one day and decided I wanted to love myself because I deserve better.

And Then There’s Sex…

Sex is probably one of the biggest things I’ve had to rethink while learning how to decenter men.

I’m going to be so truthfully honest when I say I used to base my self-worth on how often I was having sex and if people wanted to have sex with me. It honestly made me feel validated, attractive, and wanted.

It took me so long to realize I’m worth beyond sex, and honestly, I’m still doing the work to completely recover from it.

Somebody wanting your body is not the same as feeling valued, and I couldn’t quite grasp that fact until pretty recently. I had to teach myself that I’m valuable simply because I exist and I’m worth so much.

Sex used to be this thing I desired so much because that’s where I thought all my value came from, but now I hardly ever desire it, especially if there’s no one who genuinely respects me or values me to have it with.

I used to be in constant need, but now it’s been almost a year. Instead of focusing on sex, I’m focusing on myself. I’m working on finishing school, trying to start my career, and focusing on my relationships with friends and family.

I don’t know what’s in my future, but I do know I never want to put myself in any position where I’m not respected or appreciated. And that doesn’t just mean sex; that goes for everything.

I lost myself trying to make another person happy, but at the same time, I was neglecting my own feelings, which wasn’t fair to myself.

I’m still learning how to put myself first. I know it won’t happen overnight, and I hope if you see yourself in any of this, you know you’re allowed to choose yourself. You’re so worth it.